A lot of people believe that dating your friend’s ex is the ultimate sin and should never be done. In most cases, this is said by straight people who have more choice when it comes to finding new partners. Those in queer communities are a lot more likely to date someone who their friends dated because of how people are connected. But, whether you are queer or straight, there are several rules that you have to follow if you want to build a relationship with your friend’s ex and also maintain your friendship.
If your friend dated the person that you are currently with, he or she may not be too happy to know that something that they tell you in secret will be shared with their ex-partner. For this reason, if you want to be a good friend, you have to keep your friend’s secrets. The same is true for the things that you discuss with your current partner, especially the details of your sex life. Just save the stories for another friend or don’t share them with anyone.
Don’t become someone who trash talks
It’s fine if you want your partner’s advice after you were arguing with your friend, but don’t give into the temptation to insult your friend in front of your partner. If you know that they ended a relationship on bad terms, it can be especially difficult to resist the urge. But, you should try to stay neutral if you want to maintain both relationships and not take sides, regardless of how much time has passed.
Respect their boundaries
For example, if your friend doesn’t want to go to an event where your partner will be, just don’t pressure them. Allow the two exes to decide how much contact they are comfortable with and don’t push your personal agenda. It’s important to remember that you can love both of them, but there is no need for them to like one another.
The worst thing you can do is start comparing yourself to your friend and asking your partner if they think that you are better. Comparing yourself to anyone is a horrible idea, and it will only make you feel crappy. Even if your partner brings up the comparison between you and your friend, just try not to continue this type of conversation, as it’s not healthy in your situation.
Don’t become paranoid
It’s easier said than done, but your best strategy is to be trusting and not try to constantly seek reassurance that there is nothing going on between your friend and your partner. If you want your relationship to continue, you have to believe them and not let your own insecurity ruin everything. Of course, this is relevant if they don’t give any signs of being untrustworthy and it’s just all in your head.
Don’t question your friend
It’s not a good idea to try to analyze your friend’s relationship with their ex to get the information on what not to do. Their relationship is something that was between the two of them and not a cautionary tale for you. If they tell you the details, that’s ok, but you shouldn’t push them to reveal all the information if they are not comfortable doing it.
Remember that some exes are truly off-limits
It could be that your friend and their ex are both amazing people and they just couldn’t find any common ground. That’s one thing. But, it’s an entirely different thing when the said ex cheated on your friend or was caught lying, stealing, etc. If this is the case, just don’t date them. There are plenty of other people out there who are great and haven’t been horrible to your friend. By agreeing to enter a relationship with your friend’s abusive ex, you just declare that your friend’s feelings don’t matter. And that’s a horrible thing to do to any friend.